Wake Up!

This morning, when chatting with a group I work with on embracing a substance-free life, I stated, “sometimes people in the news inspire me to be more like them, but sometimes, they inspire me to NOT be like them. I don’t ever want to be the kind of person that people look at and say, here is an example of how NOT to be.”

Life is full of teachable moments. People and situations often help me to work on my own personal development, and they also give me plenty of material in parenting and coaching. The other day I was out with a friend and her ex-husband called. She showed me the Caller ID. It said Teacher. She explained to me that a very wise person had once instructed her to name people in her phone who challenged her patience and overall equanimity as “Teacher.” This way, when she saw their name (“Teacher”) pop up, rather than anticipate a negative interaction, she immediately reset her intention to a more neutral state.

The news these days are full of teachable moments. And my children, bless their hearts, are a captive audience because I still feed them (usually). So while they chomp on veggies, they get to listen to the podcast episodes I have yet to air. Yes, they roll their eyes. We often disagree. The boy fidgets and kicks his sister. Sigh, it would be much easier to just talk about whatever other people talk about who have calm, peaceful, family dinners every night. Right, as if. I have a 9th grader and a 12th grader so my ability to control them is dwindling. I must pour all my wisdom into their precious heads as quickly as I can! Anyway, these are some points I see as valuable lessons to discuss with our kids. Feel free to use them at the dinner table (and as I tell my kids, feel free to throw me under the bus if it gets you out of an awkward situation: “I know this is annoying, but this weird lady Susanne wrote this - what do you guys think?”).

1. If someone you are with has been drinking or consuming other drugs, you can be certain that their judgment is impaired.  Depending on how much they have consumed, how much sleep they have had, if they are under any major stress, how good they are feeling about themselves - all of these factors impact the quality of their choices. Especially if we are talking about someone under the age of 25, whose brain has not finished developing. If you are with someone in this state of impairment, and you engage physically with them, there is a good chance you are not engaging with someone who is making a clear, well-thought-out decision that is based on respect, trust, authentic connection. Dear son, if you engage in intercourse or the equivalent with a young lady in such a state, please consider that you are violating her. Even if she does not say “no.” If she would not do whatever she is about to do while stone cold sober, then she does not really want to do it. Period. If she would be considered over the legal limit for driving, I would consider her over the legal limit of knowing that she really wants to do this and will be totally okay about it the next day. ​
2. Alcohol is the number one date rape drug. As stated above, it impairs your judgment. It lowers inhibitions. You are more likely to place yourself in a situation you may not have otherwise, raising your risk level. It also makes otherwise law-abiding, decent people do really stupid shit. Alcohol is an extremely toxic drug that causes people to relax their morals, and do other uncharacteristic well, stupid shit. The majority of domestic violence arrests involve alcohol. The majority of DUI arrests involve really good people. I am not saying that alcohol is an acceptable scapegoat, but I am saying that it is a legal, glamorized, socially acceptable drug that makes good, honest, kind, responsible people do stupid shit like pee in public, throw up expensive meals, drive their kids home from school after a wine lunch with the mommies, sleep with people they wouldn’t add to their Private Story on Snapchat, and not remember a lot or any of it.  In other words, it can cause a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering, for all involved. Immediately or 40 years later, and everything in-between.
3. Let’s talk a minute about sex. I know, awesome dinner conversation. I have been working in a field that deals with a lot of trauma. I have spent years learning about how incidents and situations in a person’s life, especially the first ten years, influences their sense of self, their self-esteem, their relationship with their body, and with their heart. And I can tell you that if a young woman is behaving in a way that back in my youth would have been considered promiscuous, there is a good chance that she has had some tough stuff going on. So PLEASE do not perpetuate the violence by taking advantage of her availability, even if she appears to really want it. I have never ever heard a woman say, “I was hooking up a ton in middle school and/or high school and it was super fun and I felt great about myself.” I am not saying that it is always the case that someone asking for or open to this sort of attention has been victimized, but I am saying that she probably really needs compassion over passion. Pay attention. And if you don’t know how to handle something like this, ask me or a counselor at your school, or my friends whose numbers you have.
4. Your generation is growing up with every moment documented on social media. And nothing, I mean NOTHING, is private. And NOTHING truly vanishes. Your account may be “Private” but I highly doubt that your 1,000 followers are all intimate, trustworthy friends who would never use information against you. Snapchat images and videos may appear to vanish, but although I have no idea what this mysterious Cloud is, I am certain it’s full of all kinds of juicy stuff. Not to mention how easy it is to screenshot something and keep for posterity. Dear Jesus, thank you for not giving me social media in my youth. Anyway, as I keep reminding you and your rolling eyes, do not post anything that you would not want your parents, pastor, coach, college admissions rep or future employer to see.
5. What are your values? What is important to you in life? Honesty? Loyalty? Kindness? Feeling good about yourself? Being a good role model? Helping others? Think of your values often. You are growing up in a modern world that values materialism and power over what we (your parents) consider true, meaningful ways to be in the world. So it is important for us to connect with our values regularly, and to make them our default operating system.  Then, when we are in situations where we are given a choice to follow the herd, which more often than not is doing stupid shit, we hopefully understand that we can do better. Herds go over cliffs.
6. Finally, you will make mistakes. You are human. You are curious, adventurous young adults who are still trying to figure out who you are, who your tribe is, and how you fit into it all. But I think it’s important for me to tell you, as someone who has made mistakes, and who has done a lot of personal and professional work and training in recovery, that you do not have to be part of the herd. You do not have to believe that social occasions necessitate alcohol, that it is too late to say “no,” that only awful people hurt other people. As I often say, we are not animals. We are humans, and have been given the gift of choice. Your dad and I do our best to guide you and role model the way we think is a good way to be (progress, not perfection), but at the end of the day, the choices are yours. And, at the end of the day, we love you no matter what. ​

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

• - Friedrich Nietzsche